Father's Day

I used to dread this holiday and agonized over whether or not I should send a card or make a phone call because that would mean that I would need to have one-on-one interaction with my father.

I thought that with my father's death in 2008, the demons that characterized my relationship with him were put to rest.  I remember being sad, wishing that things between us could have been better. However, I found myself resenting a post made by my sister on Father's Day, indicating he was this really nice person. Since my name was on a comment, I became really upset because I wanted no part in what I felt was history being rewritten.  I felt he was given credit for something which I certainly did not feel he deserved. Certainly not on Father's Day.  It led to a quarrel because my words were quite blunt.  I have this thing about calling it as I see it.  Tact is not my strong suit, neither is patience, which I attribute to him. Obviously, not all my sisters shared my feelings.  One chose to focus only on the good memories, another chose to love him despite everything because she is a much nicer person than I am.  As for the youngest, despite their very loud and oftentimes contentious relationship, she was Daddy's girl.  I have held on to the hate for such a long time that I do not know how to let it go.  While I remember a lot of happy childhood memories, when it came to him, my memories consisted mostly of how he made these occasions miserable the minute there was something he did not like. I hated how helpless he made me feel to change things.  I recognize it is too late for me and him but I am going to try and not let him influence the path of my relationships.

Despite all of the above, I began to look forward to this special day because it gave me a chance to acknowledge my husband who does happen to be "the best father in the world".  To quote Kelly Clarkson, "Piece by piece he restored my faith that a man can be kind."  He is not perfect, except in how he makes us feel loved.